It’s a scene straight out of a Clooney heist movie, but instead of robbing a casino, he’s plotting an escape from the land of the free and the home of the increasingly conservative ahead of a second Trump presidency predicted by a CNN electoral vote analysis the first night of the GOP Convention.
George Clooney, Hollywood’s quintessential silver fox and perennial critic of President Joe Biden’s biggest rival, Donald Trump, was last seen dangling one leg out of his palatial mansion window in Los Angeles, possibly set to leave the USA.
According to reliable sources (and a few nosy neighbors with excellent zoom lenses), the actor-turned-political-commentator is preparing for a dramatic exit following the latest CNN projections showing Trump likely to win the upcoming presidential election.
It’s a scene straight out of a Clooney heist movie, but instead of robbing a casino, he’s plotting an escape from the land of the free and the home of the increasingly conservative.
The plot thickened when a paparazzo captured Clooney, dressed in his finest Armani tuxedo, sitting on the ledge of his window, clutching an overnight bag. The contents of the bag remain a mystery, though it’s widely speculated to contain essentials like Nespresso pods, a well-worn copy of “Good Night, and Good Luck,” and a bottle of Kentucky bourbon.
“At first, I thought he was rehearsing for a new movie,” said Mrs. Jenkins, a neighbor who had been watering her geraniums. “But then I realized there were no cameras or crew. Just George, looking more desperate than a Democrat at a Texas barbecue.
Sources close to the actor revealed that Clooney has been contemplating this move for weeks. Ever since the first debate where Trump quipped, “George should stick to making coffee commercials,” Clooney has been strategizing his departure. His wife, the brilliant and beautiful Amal Clooney, has reportedly been negotiating asylum deals with several countries, though Canada seems to be the frontrunner due to its proximity and Tim Hortons.
“I love America, but there’s only so much a man can take,” Clooney was overheard telling his pet pig, Max, who seemed to nod in agreement. “When Trump insulted my coffee, he crossed a line.”
In true Hollywood fashion, Clooney’s preparation for his escape has been meticulous. He’s reportedly taken crash courses in Canadian culture, learning the ins and outs of ice hockey, poutine, and the correct pronunciation of “about.”
Clooney’s friends, a mix of A-list actors and political operatives, have expressed mixed feelings about his potential departure. “Who will host our fundraising galas if George leaves?” lamented Leonardo DiCaprio while hugging a tree. “And what about our poker nights?” wondered Matt Damon, shuffling a deck of cards nervously.
What pushed Clooney to the brink wasn’t just the CNN projection. Insiders say it was a combination of factors. The final straw, however, was Trump’s proposal to replace the Hollywood Walk of Fame with the Hollywood Walk of Tweets, featuring his greatest Twitter hits.
“You can take my career, my coffee, and my country, but my sidewalk stars? That’s where I draw the line,” Clooney reportedly fumed to his personal assistant while practicing his British accent. “Amal, pack the bags! We’re off to a land where the leader knows how to spell ‘hamburger’.”
Despite his impending departure, Clooney remains optimistic about life outside the U.S. “Think of the films I can direct in Canada,” he mused to himself. “The epic tales of Mounties, maple syrup heists, and healthcare for all. It’s like a utopia up there.”
Rumors abound that Clooney has already started writing a screenplay about his own escape, tentatively titled “The Great Clooney Getaway.” There are even whispers of a new Ocean’s movie set in Vancouver, where Danny Ocean and his gang steal the secret recipe for the perfect poutine.
As the news of Clooney’s impending departure spreads, fans across America are in mourning. Social media is ablaze with hashtags like #StayClooneyStay and #GeorgeDontGo. Even President Biden, upon hearing the news, reportedly called Clooney personally to try and dissuade him.
“George, we need you here,” Biden pleaded, according to sources. “If you leave, who will stand up to Trump’s reality TV presidency?”
Despite the outcry, Clooney seems resolute. With one foot still out the window, he gave a final wave to the paparazzi, his trademark smirk playing on his lips. “Tell them I’ll be back,” he said, channeling his inner Schwarzenegger. “After all, you can take the man out of Hollywood, but you can’t take Hollywood out of the man.”
As the sun set over his Beverly Hills mansion, George Clooney, America’s beloved actor and reluctant political refugee, took a deep breath and prepared for his next adventure. Whether or not he’ll actually leave remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: in the world of Clooney, anything is possible.
TONY CASTRO, the former award-winning Los Angeles columnist and author, is a writer-at-large and the national political writer for LAMonthly. org. He can be reached at tony@tonycastro.com.
